Waking up



If so, this might be the last thing you want to hear, but congratulations!  Whats happening is you may possibly be going through an Awakening.  You have now entered treacherous terrain, and this experience is possibly going to lift you higher than you could ever imagine.  But first, it’s going to break you.

An awakening, to me, is a blessing in disguise.  You may not be feeling particularly joyous at this ‘awakening’ that is meant to be exhilarating, yet is causing you so much discord. You have reached a point in your life where something is happening to you, and you don’t know what it is.  You just know something is wrong, and you know it is something that needs dealing to. You may be in great emotional pain.  Torment, even.  Never-ending questions are flooding your mind.  Your world and existence, as you’ve always known it, has been flipped upside down and landed, bang-smack, right on its head.

It might not seem like it, but please trust me when I say this.  This ‘awakening’ could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

It was a deep and profound connection with another person that shook the living daylights out of me.  The awakening was so powerful, it felt as if I had been roused out of a deep, long, thirty-five year sleep.  Like Snow White, minus the handsome prince. Even to this day, I still can’t find the words to describe it.  One day, I met somebody who was so similar to me on every level, it was like looking into a mirror and seeing myself as I truly was.  I did not like the person staring back at me.  This awakening began three years ago although, at the time, I had no idea that’s what it was.

It was fate that we were meant to meet.  And it was also fate that we were meant to part.

This connection brought me to my knees like nothing else ever did.  It was confronting, it was deeply troubling, and it changed something in me forever.  It is something which I have attempted to describe to others, only to be met with scoffs and scornful comments of “what are you even on about?”  I, myself, have attempted to deny it, because the whole idea that someone has shifted something deep in your psyche, without even doing anything extraordinary, sounds insane.  But the heart knows better.  Despite the opposition, despite the self-denials, the heart knows that, whatever it was, it was real.  It was something deep and profound.

Contrary to what others may believe, and judging from my own experience, I believe that a real spiritual awakening is something not to be taken lightly.  It’s not all about finding a magical world filled with rainbows, nor is it something where you just wake up one day and suddenly think ‘oh, I want to be more in touch with my inner-self.’   No. There is more to it, so much more. Actually, it is probably one of the most beautiful, as well as one of the most hideous experiences you will ever have to encounter in your life.  When you are waking up from this deep sleep, you are waking up to, and facing yourself and who you are at your core.  You see things about yourself that you would just rather not.  Your demons, the emotional hurts of your past, the negative energies that keep you stuck in a rut, the false beliefs and attitudes that prevent you from rising up – all of it comes rushing to the surface, forcing you to confront it, head-on.

I have been undergoing this deep, intense awakening for the last three years.  And anybody that has been through it can tell you that it’s not easy.  The only reason I know it’s an awakening is because 1) I was literally on my knees, praying to God to help me understand what was happening to me.  And 2) every single one of my belief systems that I had carefully created to keep my world just as I wanted it were crumbling down around me.  The blinkers were being lifted from my eyes, and I was seeing a reality so far removed from what I had always seen.  Not just about myself, but also the world around me.

It’s no wonder so many people would rather stay asleep all their lives, rather than wake up and smell the cappuccino and see the world for what it really is.  And, from what I have discovered, it is the world we live in that is false.  Love is the only truth, and everything else – hate, fear, racism, war, ego, pride, etc etc – is the illusion.  But…this is mankind today, as created by mankind.  We are fully immersed in these illusions, living them out like nobody’s business, because it is easier living the lie than it is facing our truth.

Call me crazy, but that’s how I see it.  This is what I have learnt, and am still learning to this day.

Going through an awakening is some heavy shit.  It’s not a light, breezy journey filled with butterflies and rainbows.  I like to think of it as a spring-clean – kind of like how you would spring-clean and de-clutter your home.  Except your spring-cleaning your mind, body and soul by removing and releasing all that is toxic, and keeping you stuck in limbo.

I am still trying to spring-clean myself out.  It’s been an amazing three years.  The journey one of pain, anguish, joy, exhilaration and even adrenaline all rolled into one! With each day that goes by, I’m coming more and more into my own, and discovering the true power of what it means to be me, and what it means to be alive.  Below are just some of the things I believe are signs that you are going through an awakening of your own.  How we get to this point differs from person to person.  It could be anything that brings us to our knees and makes us seek a more purposeful meaning in life.  Death.  Love.  An extraordinary event.

How you cope with it, though, is what really matters.  The outcome of the journey is entirely up to you.




You are questioning everything that you’ve ever believed in

I have been a lone soldier all my life.  And my way has always been to shut people out because I believed they prevented me from attaining the things I wanted – power, money and status.  This was something I believed in with rigid stubbornness, and I was proud to be this way.  I had an over-inflated ego to accompany this pride, and was arrogant about it to boot.  I can say, now, that I am ashamed of the things I have done to get to where I am today. Because these things I wanted, they were just illusions.  They have brought temporary satisfaction, but if I were to be honest, they have never brought me true happiness.

Material things mean nothing to you anymore

Material things and possessions held utmost importance to me.  Flash cars, big screen TV’S, money ka-chinging in the bank, the whole she-bang.  I wanted it all, and sought these things with an over-zealous drive, as if I had to have it or die.  Nowadays, I feel eternally grateful for what I have, and am learning to feel content rather than always wanting the next big thing.  I no longer yearn for material things.  The yearning I have now is for rich life experiences that I know will enhance my quality of living rather than my bank account.  Because as long as me and my family have a roof over our heads, food in the cupboards, and aroha (love) in our home, we will always be rich regardless.

You feel out of place, and feel like you no longer fit with people you were once very close too

This may very well be one of the hardest things to come to grips with when the blinkers have been well and truly lifted from your eyes.  Especially if your family, your loved ones, and your friends are deeply immersed in the ways of the world.  You find yourself stepping away from everybody, because you know, deep down, that you have discovered a reality that is so very different from the one the people around you are living.  I personally believe that there is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from the chaos, as long as you let them know that you still love them.  If family truly cared for you, they will understand and respect your wishes for space.

You start praying more to God

This is the pain in you speaking.  Whatever it is you are confronting is hurting you so badly, that you find yourself on your knees, praying and crying out to God for answers, because you don’t know what else to do.  Keep talking to him.  In your heart, you will know when He answers you.

You start looking for the good in people

Ask anybody who knows me.  I had the highest walls, and a suspicion for people as large as the Pacific Ocean.  I have always been able to see the dark side in people, and this ability has prevented me from truly connecting with others.  I did this because I have a ridiculously large fear of being hurt.  The walls are coming down, slowly, but surely.  The load on my shoulders is lifting, and at times I feel like I’m even floating.  Crazy, right?  The truth is – it is just plain tiring,  a colossal effort, and a waste of energy, always trying to keep people at bay, just because you’re scared.

I’m trying to teach myself a different way of thinking now.  That it is OK to let people in.  We are all human, and we all hurt somebody at some stage.  It’s life.  My paranoia (yes, I admit, that’s all it was) is fading out of my psyche, and being replaced with empathy and understanding of human nature, as a whole.  Everyone has good in them.  And if you find yourself seeing the good points in people, rather than focusing on the bad, chances are, you are definitely on your way to reconnecting with your higher, spiritual self!

You feel an overwhelming need to serve and help those in need

I think this is the true, ultimate purpose of the awakening.  I think that this what it all boils down too.  If you find yourself feeling a deep sense of sadness about all the ugliness in the world, and wanting to do your bit to make it a better place, then you have found your true calling in life.  Whether it’s helping the homeless, inspiring someone to do better, donating to charity, or just being there for someone in their hour of need – giving – no matter how big or small, is bound to add a quality to your life that is immeasurable.  It fills you with purpose like nothing else can.  Seeing true suffering, and opening your heart to doing something about it helps you put things into perspective. Practicing small, random acts of kindness is not only filling me with a strong sense of purpose, it is also helping me feel utmost gratitude – for my family, my health – for my life, and all that I have been blessed with.


So there it is.  My personal experience.  To those of you who are in the same waka (boat) as I am, I wish you all the best on your own journey towards self-discovery and fulfilment.  It’s going to be a roller coaster ride, but one that I totally believe is going to be worth it in the end.  Persevere and stick it out and remind yourself that it’s going to get easier. Once your soul awakens, the search begins, and you can never truly go back.  And when you start seeing the true rewards that lie within your reach, just as I’m seeing them now, you’ll never want to go back, anyway…


IMAGE: binggallery.com







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