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when its time to let go…

 

Whenever I think of me and Dez (which is waaaaaaay too often) I am mostly always reminded of that song that Paula Abdul sang back in her heyday when she was at her peak, and more well known for her singing and dancing than she was for her incoherent ramblings as Simon Cowell’s side kick on American Idol. The song was animated, included a dancing fox, and highlighted the differences between men and women. Opposites Attract. Yeah that song. That’s me and Darks. That’s eighty percent of relationships, when I think about it.  And Paula, though I thought she made as much sense on American Idol as my mother in law when she’s had too many tui’s, she knew what she was on about when she sang that song. I’ll give her that.

Opposites Attract. How it all begins, and how it began for us. Me and Dez. Chalk and cheese. Night and Day. He the logical, me the emotional. He the popular, me the loner. He the responsible and open, me the reckless and secretive. He all cold and detached on the inside, and me forever burning with emotions that, right up until this day, he has never been able to fully comprehend. I’m quite gobsmacked, actually, that some thirteen plus years have mosied on by and I’m basically in the same boat I’ve been in since I thought ‘fuck it’ and took Dez by the hand and let him lead me into lovey dovey land, somewhere I vowed never, ever to go without giving it almighty thought. Because, even as naïve as I was at the time when it came to ‘relationships’ and all that it entailed, it was by keenly observing the men around me – my brothers, my uncles, even my own father, that I was able to learn, from a very early age, just what men were all about.   That they were a difficult kind indeed. And that they were the only ones that could drive a woman to lose the essence of what, who and all that she was.

It took five outta fourteen years for me to fall in love with Dez. But when I fell, I fell from the heavens and hit the ground hard! Letting him go is turning out to be a fucking mission impossible!!! But one I am dedicated to seeing through, even if it near kills me.

In a way, I think Dez is going to be very relieved when he realizes that I am summoning up every ounce of courage I can muster to finally let him live his life the way he wants to. Even though this isn’t exactly out of the blue, as we’ve been talking about it for a year, I still sense that he’s going to be hurt. But I also sense that hes going to be ok. As for me…well, there are times when I feel I’ll be just fine. Then there are times like now, where I feel lost and uncertan and harbour this gigantic fear of being without the one person I could always rely on to be there for me when life got dicey. Hes been pretty much the only constant thing in my life, and the only semblance of stability I have, even if I do spend countless of hours each day trying to understand where hes coming from, where I’m coming from, and wondering how the hell we’re supposed to find the middle ground amongst it all.

I have nothing more to give to us, and I know it. He has nothing more to give to us, and he knows it. We both know that the end is nigh, and I cant keep fighting that, or denying the obvious, nor can I make this relationship into something that it is not. And I can’t hush that inner voice anymore, the one that has always blasted me with that truth over the years despite my stubborn refusal to hear it. Even if I did cover my ears and refuse to listen to it then, I’m listening to it now. And its slowly but surely beginning to sink right in.

Its never easy to let go of something that means so much to you. I’ve been clinging onto Dez like hes my life raft – my anchor – the only one that can keep me from drowning. The people I consider close to me – my friends and my family – they only know me to a certain extent. They know only what I choose to let them see. Darks – he knows all of me. He knows me in all my uncensored glory. He can see what lies beneath the many different layers, and can read through the many veils of pretense that I can drape over myself on any given day. Pretty ironic, how I let the walls come down for him, and pretty much gave him the key to my heart and everything that lay within. And hes the only one I’ve ever really let in, truly and completely. Yet he still doesn’t seem to understand me. But I understand him. I understand his needs and his wants, and feel like I’ve supported him accordingly. And with each day that goes by, I’m coming to understand about him the most important aspect of all. That he is never going to change. And neither am I.

I think a big part of why I’m scared to let him go has more to do with me than him. Actually, when I think about it, its probably the utmost reason. I have a hard time accepting the real me sometimes. At times, I confuse even myself. I have days where I question and doubt myself so much that it drives me crazy. And because I spend so much time on that wavelength, I naturally presume that others are thinking along the same lines. But I’m learning to get over it. As for Deez, he may have never understood me. Nevertheless, I always felt like he accepted me – exactly as I was. I guess it’s a fear of never experiencing that acceptance again. But I’m working on learning to accept myself, which, I think, is going to be the hardest – yet most profound lesson of all.

The heart is in a fucking blender right now, no shit. It aches yet now knows that what I want can never be. But…I’m determined to get through it, because you know ‘getting through it’ is something I’m good at doing, so I take a bit of comfort in that. I think I’ll always love this guy. And if I could write a list about the things I’ve learnt from him, that list would be a page long. Being with him has not only been an honour and a privilege, but it has also been the greatest learning experience of my life. Though we are currently under the same roof, the gap between us is already beginning to widen, so its now only a matter of time. Despite the heaviness in my heart, and despite the turmoil going on inside my head, I know I have to fade out of his life somehow, and see it through to its inevitable conclusion. He will be ok. And, I think, so will I.