The Pink Dress…

Sadie stared, in horror, at the dress her mum held up proudly before her.  She scrunched her nose up, grimaced, and slowly, painfully shook her head from side to side.

“Mum“ she said. “If you think I’m wearing that to the formal…woman…your outta your mind!”

Her mother winced, but held her smile.  “Babe.  Come on,” she cajoled.  “You know how adorable you would look in this.  It’s a dress fit for a princess!”

Sadie turned from her mum and opened the fridge, pretending to look for something before the words that were on the tip of her tongue burst forth.  “Come on, mum.  This is the millennium, not 1990.  I ain’t wearing that.  All my mates will laugh at me.”

In her head, Sadie had already predicted the name she would be given if she walked into the assembly hall with that hideous thing on. She imagined the entire student body falling silent as they turned towards her, mouths agape.  The laughter that would follow she could already hear ringing in her ears.  It was a princess dress, alright.  It looked exactly like the blue dress Cinderella wore in the animated version of the movie, except it was pink.  Upon the shoulders were clouds of puff balls.  The bodice was fitted with fake rubies, and the dress flared out endlessly.  It was horrible.  An ugly mess.  The worst dress Sadie had ever seen.

Her mates would name her candy floss.  She could see it now.  The name would haunt her for life.

“I thought you said it was a Fairytale theme?” her mum queries, carefully placing the dress back in its bag.

Sadie didn’t trust herself to speak.  She just rolled her eyes, bit into an apple and shrugged.  Her mum didn’t know anything.

“It is mum,” she finally answered.  Then trying to turn the topic around, she continued.  “You know, there’s a store down Epsom Gate, Ally.  They have a special on at the moment, 25% off all dresses!”  Her voice rose enthusiastically.  “Can we take this back, and get one from there mum!  Pleeeease?”

She watched her mother’s face as it darkened.  “Isn’t that a lingerie store?”

Sadie couldn’t help it.  She rolled her eyes again.  “Oh come on, mum.” she said, somewhat impatiently.  “Get with the times.  They have dresses, too.  They mint dresses, all my mates are getting them from Ally.  Can I get mine from there, aye?  Please mum.  Its only, like, twenty dollars for this long black one I saw in there yesterday!”

“Babe,” her mum said, choosing her words carefully.  “Remember last year, that day you told me that you wanted a dress exactly like this?  You lay in my arms, talking about wanting to be a princess and being the belle of the ball.  Do you remember that?”

Sadie nodded, non-committally.  She did remember.  She’d been twelve then.  A year makes a big difference, and times had changed.  “I’m still not wearing it,” she declared, stubbornly.

She watched her mother’s face drop.  “Well, maybe we can take this back.  I don’t know, I might not be able to get a refund   You might have to wear this I cant really afford another one.”  She looked Sadie squarely in the eye.  “Your father was hoping to get a picture with you in this.  He misses you, Sadie.”

At the mention of her father’s name, Sadie felt her blood begin to stir.  Her dad?  What the hell did he have to do with anything?  He sent a birthday card once a year.  Called her once a month, and only ever blabbed about his new girlfriend, and how Sadie would love getting to know her.  He didn’t even know Sadie, hadn’t seen her for five months!  What the hell did he want a photo of her in a ball dress for?  But more importantly, why did her mother even think she would wear that – just to please a man who made her feel like she was just a thing on the fringes of his life.

She couldn’t hold her words back.  Her mother should have known.

She spat, with as much venom as she could muster, “That cunt can go to hell, as far as I’m concerned!”

“Sadie!”

“What!”  she whined.  “Why the fuck would I do anything for him hes done nothing for me!”

“You better watch your mouth, Sadie,” her mum snapped.  “Your dad loves you.  I don’t want to hear you bad mouthing him, you hear me!”

Sadies anger rose up, high as a mountain.  “Nah, I don’t hear you,” she snapped back.  She felt her face flush as she yelled.  “And no I don’t want to wear that ugly dress!  Its hideous!  My friends are all going to laugh at me!  And you don’t even give a shit!  I’d rather not go at all than be seen in that!”

“That’s enough.”  her mother demanded.  Sadie glared at her, fuming.  An entire minute went past before her mother spoke again.  “We’ll go to Ally’s and get you something, ok?  I’ll have to take this back, see if I can get a refund.”  She grabbed her keys off the fridge and turned to her daughter.  “Do you wanna stop in and see your dad on the way back?”

“Whatever, I’m not coming,” Sadie grumbled, not pacified one bit.  She tried to storm towards her room, but her mother blocked her way.

“Don’t you want to…”

“No I don’t fucking want to!”  Sadie shouted at the top of her lungs.  She clenched her fists, trying, but failing, to control the built up anger that had been accumulating within for the past year.  Ever since the divorce that had tipped her entire existence upside down.  “Wouldn’t care if I never spoke to him again!  Or you!  You can both go and get fucked!”

And with that, she forcefully shoved her mother out of the way, stomped into her room, and slammed the door shut with an almighty bang.

***

“Are you ok, Sadie?”

The familiar voice seemed to be coming from far away.  Yet when Sadie managed to lift her head, her father’s face loomed just in front of her.  She blinked up at him, trying to bring her blurry vision back into focus.  In a trance.  She was in a trance.  It felt like she was drifting through a nightmarish dream, and fervently prayed that she would soon wake up.

But then her dad laid his hand upon her shoulder, and she knew.  She would never wake up from this one.

Her mother was dead.  And all she could think about was the last words she spoke to her.

“You can both go and get fucked.”

It was a hot day.  The sun blazed down upon the small handful of people that stood, milling around Epsom church, engaged in somber talk.  Madison Stevens had been a lovely woman, even if she had been as quiet as a mouse, and even a little eccentric.  To her co-workers, she was pleasant and polite, but had been a woman of few words.  She kept her head down and just did her job.  To her few friends, she had been a good listener, often opening her arms and home without hesitation to those who she deemed worthy of her friendship, offering tea, talks, and a sympathetic ear.  To her one and only sibling, her sister, she had been the world.  Nobody knew her like her sister did.  They both grew up within the confines of a strict catholic upbringing. An upbringing Madison fled when she was fifteen – for her ex-husband   As a result, she had been disowned.  Besides her sister, not a single member of her immediately family had attended Madison Steven’s funeral.

Sadie couldn’t think straight as she sat on the church steps, two of her best friends sitting on either side of her, trying to cheer her up.  They sat there, cracking jokes and whispering, pointing and making fun of the people that stood around them.  Sadie wished they would just go away.

Her heart was in a blender.  Guilt shredding it into little pieces as she recalled their last conversation in her head.  Playing it over like a song on repeat.  To Sadie, Madison Stevens had been her mum.  Her everything.  Her one and only.  And now she was dead.

“You can both go and get fucked.”

She had been on her way home from her ex-husbands when a green Hilux, attempting to evade the cops, came gunning down the highway at 140 km’s per hour, and hit her.  The lights had just turned green, and Madison Stevens was moving when the truck came hurtling, full throttle from the right, smashing into her little Astra with such devastating force that the car was airborne for two seconds flat before landing in a crushed heap on its head.  Madison Steven’s was pronounced dead as soon as paramedics arrived on the scene.  Instant death.

“…wouldn’t care if I ever spoke to you again…wouldn’t care if I ever spoke to you again…wouldn’t care…”

Words she’d never be able to take back.  Sadie felt the tears pricking at her eyelids, and knives poking at her conscience.

She stood suddenly, mumbled something to her friends about needing to do something, and high-tailed it to her dad’s car, parked out the back of the church.  She threw herself in the passengers and pulled the door shut.  Closing her eyes, and resting her forehead on the dashboard, she attempted to shake the last conversation she had with her mother out of her head.  But it popped up, again and again and again, weighing on her mind mercilessly, and threatening to drown her.  She turned slowly and reached out for the bag that lay on the back seat.  She pressed the bag to her face and closed her eyes again.  Embracing the bag tightly, as if it were her mother.

The hideous pink dress.

She bowed her head into the bag, and sobbed.

***

The service for Madison Stevens was about to begin.  The church was silent and the minister was just stepping up onto the pew when Sadie entered the church.  The man in the robbed-cloth stared ahead for so long, that all heads turned to see what was holding his fascination.  So by the time Sadie was halfway down the altar, all eyes were glued on her.

But all Sadie could see was the polished coffin ahead of her, the one that held her mother.  She walked slowly, tears falling freely down her face.  When she reached the coffin, she realized for the first time, that the casket was closed.  Whispers and murmurs broke out in the crowd, but Sadie was oblivious to it all.

She placed both hands on the coffin, caressing it gently.  She rested her cheek upon the lid, her heart shattering into a million pieces as the tears continued to fall.

“Look mum,” she whispered, her voice shaking.  “I’m wearing the pink dress.”

She would have stayed like that forever, if her father hadn’t gently eased her off, and guided her to her seat.  Sadie sat next to her father, standing out amongst the sea of black in her pink ball dress with the fake rubies.  Her friends can call her candy floss.  They could all laugh at her.  She didn’t care.

She would wear this dress to school any day, if only her mum would come back to her…

 

 

In the wardrobe

Jenny stepped outside, shutting the front door firmly behind her. Overcast day, and yet not a slight breeze blowing in the air. The little bit of sun that peeked through the clouds tickled its rays upon her face as she trudged down the driveway and paddled down the street. In the distance she could hear the sounds of laughter and yelling. Other kids, making their way to school, probably.

God, please make them leave me alone. Just until I get down to the river. Please, Lord.

She inhaled long and deep, then exhaled loudly as if to release the tension that was building inside of her body. It had nothing to do with facing those kids and their mean, vicious taunts she listened to on an almost daily basis. She was accustomed to that, although not having to deal with it for one day would be marvellous. But no. Bullies was the last thing on her mind right now. She had far more pressing matters to deal to. Such as dodging school for the first time in her entire life to get out of running the dreaded Cross Country, which she absolutely detested.

Although I could do with some exercise. God knows my size eighteen frame needs it. But the pain. The taunts. No way. No way in hell…

Seriously.  How unlucky could you get?

She dragged her feet, her heart beginning to pound more rapidly at the thought of it. She was going to wag school. Dodge. Commit truancy. An image of her father’s face flashed before her eyes. He was frowning and solemn, his eyes laced with disappointment. But he was dead now, deader than a doornail. Had been for a year, so what did it matter? She pushed the image back, way back into the darkest corners of her brain.

She approached the roundabout and crossed the road.

I’m gonna do it. I’m really gonna do it. I’m gonna dodge school. I’m gonna go through with the plan!

Thinking this to herself. Encouraging herself. Telling herself I got this.

She paddled on. Eyes downcast. She only lifted her head when she heard a familiar voice, and as soon as she laid eyes on the lanky boy with the ginger hair, she cringed, her insides shrivelling up, the plan momentarily forgotten. He was up ahead of her, fooling around with his cronies. Jenny lugged back, hoping against hope that he wouldn’t turn his head and see her. No such luck. She lifted her head even higher and walked forward nonchalantly, feigning ignorance as the boy whooped loudly and stopped up ahead to wait for her.

“Whoooa….is it a bird? Is it a plane? No…ITS AN EARTHQUAKE!!! Hang on for your life everyone, its Earthquake Jennnnnaaaaay!”

The entire reason why she didn’t want to run Cross Country. Because then this is what she’d be listening to all day. And not just from him either. Jenny stared at him in what she hoped was a menacing glare. She walked past the lot of them, nose still in the air, looking for all the world as if she didn’t care one bit. Inside, she just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

The story of her life really.

After they ran ahead, still laughing and warning the other kids walking to school about the upcoming ‘Earthquake’ Jenny spotted the opening that led into the river bank. She doodled, pulled back, allowing other students to pass her by. She waited. Then when she was certain that no-one was looking, she slipped away. Unseen.

So far, so good.

She’d been here plenty of times before. And she knew exactly where she was going to hide. She trudged on and on, through long blades of grass until she came to the river bank. She climbed up, ran down the little hill and made her way towards the tall, magnificent willow tree perched on the edge of Sullivan’s lake. Its branches were perfect for concealing herself from prying eyes. Not that very many people came down here, but still. It was better that she was safe, rather than sorry

That’s why I have to pull this off. I’ve got to make sure this plan runs – flawlessly.

She sat near the water, concealed with willow branches, keeping an eye out now and then. She glanced at her watch. 8.25am. Her mother was still at home, but in two more hours, she’d be sitting in the Citizen’s Advice Bureau, answering calls. Jenny decided to wait where she was until ten. She stood, glanced around again, then pulled her t-shirt and Billabong shorts out of her bag. First things first. Get out of her uniform. Inconspicuous was the key. If she was spotted walking the streets, during school hours, with her uniform on, anyone would be able to tell she was playing hooky. . She couldn’t afford to be spotted, couldn’t afford for her mother to get the phone call that she – the supposedly good daughter who practically had no friends, yet managed to acquire A grades in spite of this – was dodging off school. Disappointing her mother was the last thing she wanted to do. The very last thing.

The minutes dragged. And dragged. She stood, sat, threw gravel dirt in the water. She must have pulled out one thousand blades of grass and glanced at her watch a million times. She sat, stood, did a jig by the river pretending to be Scary Spice from the Spice Girls. Sat, stood, and softly started humming the tune to Karen Carpenters song ‘Goodbye to Love’ wondering to herself how it was that some beloved superstar from America could know the feeling of thinking that nobody loved her. And the world, they loved her more than she ever knew. Then the nostalgic came and wrapped her up in its arms and suddenly she was crying. For her dad. For her mum. For herself. Then her mind focusing on that ginger headed-boy, wanting to shoot him, wanting to know why he was so mean to her, why they were all so mean to her. Of course, it was probably the fact that she resembled an over-sized whale. What else could it be? But still, that was no reason to taunt somebody, didn’t they have a heart, didn’t they care what she would be feeling? Thinking thoughts about starving herself. That’ll show them. And the silence, growing louder and more deafening as the minutes passed.

Then finally, mercilessly, after what seemed like a decade, her watch read 9.50.

Close enough. Time to go home.

It didn’t take her long to reach home. She had been on edge the whole time. Every car that passed made her jump. What if it was one the school teachers? What if they recognized her? What if they dragged her by the ear and back to school? She’d have to run the Cross Country after all.

Groundless fears. As soon as she spied her house, minus her mother’s car parked in the driveway, she felt herself drowning with relief. She did it. She wasn’t going to get caught after all. Her mother finished at The Bureau at four. She’d get home, and Jenny would have the house spic and span, dinner ready on the table, and her mother wouldn’t even suspect a thing.

She was just about to climb the porch steps when, out of the corner of her eye, she glimpsed the familiar grey bonnet turning into her driveway. Her sister’s car. What? Quick as a flash, she bounded into the house, the relief turning to overwhelming panic. Without even thinking, she ran into her bedroom and shoved herself in her wardrobe. She could barely fit in there. Desperately and with almighty effort, she pushed her large frame back, back amongst the mattresses and boxes, grunting and groaning and shoving so she could pull the door shut. Her heart was in over-drive, drumming rapidly and loudly, like a bongo drum against her chest.

She listened. The horn beeped. Then it beeped again. Jenny closed her eyes. She prayed, fervently hoping that her sister wouldn’t come into the house and make herself at home. Jenny would have to resign herself to sitting in the wardrobe all day otherwise, and she could barely fit in there, let alone breathe. She strained her ears to listen, then let out a huge sigh of relief when she heard the car start-up and drive away. She reached for the handle. Or at least where the door handle should have been. She felt around in the dark, blindly searching. Confused.

It took a few seconds before it dawned upon her. The realization. That there was no door handle. Well not on the inside, anyway.

Dear God, she was locked in!

Dumbfounded. She was dumbfounded. She put all her weight on the door, pushed and shoved, but to no avail. Searched again for the non-existent door handle, telling herself it had to be there. But it wasn’t. And then the reality hit her even harder than the first time. She knew without a doubt now. She was locked in! Locked in her own wardrobe. In her own house.

Oh my god, oh my god. OH MY GOD!

Panic flooded her body. She stood there in the dark, squashed up against the clutter. She’d lived in this house since she was a toddler. Twelve years later, and she was only just finding out that her own wardrobe had no door handle on the inside. What the…? She couldn’t believe it. Didn’t wanna believe it.

And yet, it was happening. She was shoved in there, tight as sardines in a can. It was stuffy and claustrophobic. Not to mention dusty. The dust and the smell of staleness filled her nostrils, and the only air coming in was from the tiny crack at the bottom of the door.

I could die of suffocation in here…

At the thought of death, logic and reasoning fled her body. She began to cry, softly at first, then louder and louder until she was screaming and banging her fists on the door, begging and pleading for someone, anyone, to hear her, and let her out. Like an animal gone wild, she pounded and screamed. But she was in a wardrobe, her screams only whispers in the wind to the outside world. She wailed loudly, her chest rising and falling with her sobs.

When she realized that no-one was coming to her rescue, her arms went limp. Her voice faded until it was a soft whimper. She was so exhausted she wanted to sink to the floor, but the lack of space plus her giant frame wouldn’t allow it. Her nose was almost touching the door. But with some more shoving and pushing, she did manage to jam the mattresses right back up against the wall, thus allowing her to sink to the floor, curled up. Her knees pushed against the protruding rolls in her gut, almost cutting off her air supply. But she didn’t care to stand. Didn’t care to do anything except sit there, and wait for Fate to decide what was to become of her.

Time ticked by. Endlessly. She’d given up looking at her watch at 12.00pm. Tidbits of her life flashed before her eyes. Her mind went back to happier days, the days when her dad was still alive. Zooming around the paddock on his two-wheeler motorbike. Fishing and camping trips. An image of her parents hugging and kissing while a younger Jenny chased seagulls and frolicked in the sea. Then the darkness came. The police at her front door, bringing the news of the car crash that killed her dad

And her mothers howls that day. If Jenny ever lived to be a hundred (which was looking unlikely) she didn’t think that she’d ever forget that sound. The sound of anguish and despair. It resounded in her head as if it happened yesterday. Thats when everything had changed. When her dad died. The bullies, the over-eating, a depressed mother who could barely see to herself, let alone a grieving daughter.

Why hadn’t I seen this before? Why hadn’t I known?

Not that it mattered anymore.

Sleepy. She was getting sleepy, her mind fuzzy, disoriented. She wasnt aware that she was no longer gasping for air, she was only aware that she was drifting, seemingly drifting like a lost boat on a calm sea. She wondered if her father would show up to take her to the other side, and imagined what he’d say upon setting eyes on her. “My girl, what the hell have you been eating?” Making her giggle on the inside. She felt tingly all over. Unreal. Even as her eyelids grew heavier and heavier, the boat drifting out farther and farther away…until…

BANG!

Her mother was home. Her mother was home. Overwhelming relief washed through her body, making her want to burst into tears. Yet, she couldn’t move. Why couldn’t she move? Why were things so drowsy? Almost unconsciously, she weakly lifted her hand and knocked on her door. Softly, repetitively, and over and over and over again.

The door suddenly swung open, and Jenny tumbled from the darkness, into the light, falling into a heap on her bedroom floor. Her mother looked down at her daughter in complete shock. She was red as a tomato and seemed on the verge of unconsciousness, her arms shielding her face as if the light hurt her eyes. And Jenny remembered saying one thing before darkness engulfed her.

“Sorry mum…sorry daddy…”

***

“Oh my God, this is so embarrassing.”

Jenny sat up in her hospital bed, her mind flitting through the last few hours. She had come close to meeting her maker in the wardrobe. If her mother had decided to come home any later, she would have been gone. Suffocated to death. Now that she was on the mend and thinking straight, all she could think was just how much of a laughing-stock that would have been.

Girl suffocates to death in her own wardrobe.

It didn’t bear thinking about.

“It’s alright,” her mum soothed, her voice a hell of a lot softer than what it normally was. “Your alive, and that’s the main thing.”

Jenny looked at her mother closely. She looked so old. And so tired. It tugged at Jenny’s heartstrings.

“Mum, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, love. I’m just thankful that your still alive.”

“I just…I hate school, mum. People pick on me all the time.”

Her mother peered at her daughter in the dim light. This was a surprise.

“Pick on you?”

Jenny nodded. Maybe it was her near-death experience. Maybe it was her mothers tiredness. Whatever it was, everything came bursting out, like a dam gushing forth. Her dad, her bullies, the ginger headed boy who made her life hell on a daily basis. Everything, that is, except the main reason she dodged school that day.

It seemed so pathetic now. Whats the point of telling her that?

They talked for a long time. Mainly about dad. They held hands and cried, letting out things that should have been let out a long time ago. Her mum stated that she was going down to see the principal first thing in the morning about the bullying, and promised to help Jenny overcome it. And she also spoke about life. And it being what you make it. Jenny didn’t need to be told twice. She understood exactly what her mum was saying. She knew she had to get her health, and her weight, back on track.

It was pretty late when they finished. Jenny got the feeling that something had been sorted out. That after wallowing in their own pools of grief, they were now swimming in it together. And maybe, just maybe, everything was going to be ok. Even so, out of the corner of her eye, she noticed something she hadn’t noticed before. The window was wet. “Is it raining?” she asked.

Her mum nodded. “Its been raining all day, love. Apparently, they had to postpone some big event at the school. Its been held next week. You should be fine to go to school by then. I’ve already rung your teacher.”

Jenny let out a long, collective sigh. After all that had happened, it looked like she’d be running The Cross Country after all.

Seriously. How unlucky could you get?